Somebody bring me a barf bag quick!

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

And some more amusing thoughts from the mind of a Medium junkie.

Somebody mentioned me in a story!!! I must be important!

Oh…never mind, it’s just a paragraph of spammed names at the bottom of his article trying to fool people into clicking on it. Damn!

My story got curated, distributed and I’m awesome.

And needy, and dependent upon the approval of some unknown person with a Medium badge for my self-worth, but, hey, nobody’s perfect.

My article got five fans and zero reads!

People don’t even need to read my article to know how great it is!!!!

I got invited to apply for a Medium Fellowship!!!

And then rejected by a form letter. Thanks for ruining my day. Yay Medium!!!

My story got rejected by a publication because “it’s not a good fit for us.”

I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I…


Try really, really, super hard to be “just friends?”

Damn I look so fat and look at how buff he looks — the jerk! (Adobe)

Now that the pandemic is sorta ending, I’ve been noticing a lot of those COVID couplings are consciously uncoupling, if you know what I mean. Yeah, it’s tough. But on the plus side, there’s break-up sex.

We all know it — break-up sex is like ten times better than together sex. Together sex is fine, don’t get me wrong. It’s a time to think about those to-do lists as your live-in boyfriend goes through those oh-so-familiar motions — let’s start with missionary, then move to cowgirl. How about finishing in doggie for the tenth time this month? Awesome.

But seriously…

Research shows: it will tell you what he’s like in bed!


The research:

Alright, I’ve dated over a 100 guys, so you don’t have to! You’re welcome.

I kept meticulous journals of every one of these encounters. And I asked each of them the same question on our first date.

“What’s your favorite car?”

I used to do this because I had no idea how to talk to guys. My girlfriend Suzy seemed to know what she was doing. “Just ask them what kind of car is their favorite,” she told me. “You won’t be able to get them to shut up.”

“But I don’t know anything about cars,” I protested.

“Doesn’t matter,”…

For people who don’t have real offices

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

What does that even mean anymore — out of office reply? Who has an “office”, per se, since Covid? My office is my bed. That’s where I’ve been doing all my work. I have a lap desk, a laptop, a lap — with ten extra COVID pounds on it — and a good internet connection. I make a little cup of tea and I lie in my bed all morning running my business.

So when I received an out of office reply email from a friend today, I wondered, am I entitled to use one of those and not be…

Timford (Generated Photos)

An AI generated female face I called Joanna got together with this super hot AI generated man named Lanford.

An assortment of pics from this day 13 years ago! Our gift to you!

Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash

We’re giving you a real throwback, dear consumer. This is an assortment of photos from about thirteen years ago. On this very day. I know, 13 is an unlucky number. And maybe some of these photos you don’t really even want to see. For various reasons. That’s why we’ve put together this trigger warning for you to before you look at these photos so that it won’t be our responsibility if you get extremely depressed after looking at the past straight in the face. Hey, you were warned.

But with regard to privacy, don’t be triggered by that. No human…

Have you put on pandemic pounds? Try these moves and he’ll never notice!

Photo by Byeong woo Kang on Unsplash

Let’s face it, ever since the gym closed you’ve been slowly putting on weight. Sure, you signed up for those Zoom HIIT classes. Let’s just say, they weren’t a HIIT. They were a FLOOP. And then there was hiking. Was being the operative word. You haven’t done it in months. Why? Because the trail’s far away and it’s hard and it’s boring and… alright, you admit it. You’re weak.

So now it’s time to have sex and you feel fat. That’s a first-world problem, can I just say? In the third world, women wish they were as fat as you…

Five ways to fix that right now!

Adobe images

Look, sexual attraction is a tricky thing. A few months ago he looked like a real superhero. Now…more of a sidekick.

You’re not sure what it is…the ordinariness of his features. The pastiness of his complexion? The idiotic expression on his face? Could be anything really.

And let’s not even talk about his body. Listen, any time I’ve made jokes about men’s bodies I have really caught a lot of shit from male readers here on Medium, so you know what, I am not saying anything.

But guys, do you really think your balls are attractive? You shave them —…

Uh…Bette, you do know that it’s women who are leading the anti-choice crusade, right?

Does the chanteuse Bette Midler blame men for the Texas abortion rights debacle? There’s very little evidence to support her claim. Indeed, whenever I see a photo of a pro-life march, it looks to me like a bunch of females leading the charge.

If you look at this chart, you see that in the U.S., 37% of women are against abortion, while 42% of men are. That’s a five percent margin.

So this five percent margin is going to cost all men their sex lives?

That hardly seems fair.

Here are some females who are considered inspiring “leaders” of the pro-life movement.

Abby Johnson

Wonderful gal. Just wonderful. Wants to send us back to the days…

Christine Stevens

Funny lady, writer of satire and sex, proud Californian, language doctor and lover of Medium!

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