Put on my bra and panties and I’ll show you, boyfriend

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Is it my legs, or is it my hair? I don’t know, you tell me. Adobe Image

Well, first of all, it’s like owning a property that is rapidly depreciating in value, that’s for sure. Because, as the supermodel Paulina Porizkova said, when they turn 40, women become invisible, even supermodels! Men just don’t notice them on the street any more. Not like they noticed them when they were in their twenties or thirties. …

A guide to oversharing, woke-splaining, hem-hawing, and modern hypocrite-ing

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Photo by Robo Wunderkind on Unsplash


Hey, it’s not easy having kids if you’re a coastal lib. Your whole life is based on the premise that you are somehow virtuous and elite at the same time. Is that really possible? Probably not, which makes me really glad I don’t have kids.

But I do have lots of friends with kids out here in LA, and I’ve got some super great news for them, and all of you other shiny, happy people holding hands!! I figured out the answer. It’s an answer that works for every question you might have as parents. It’s a happy day for…

Calls Catholic church “way more morally suspect”

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Photo by Ivan Diaz on Unsplash

The COVID vaccine was recently branded “morally suspect” by one Catholic diocese in New Orleans. Apparently, the church was concerned that Johnson & Johnson used cells derived decades ago from an abortion to create their vaccine.

However, today as I sat in the waiting room for my vaccination appointment, the COVID vaccine strongly rebutted the accusation. “This is the pot calling the kettle black,” claimed the vaccine. “Let’s see now, who ran the biggest pedophilia ring the world has ever known? Oh I know — it was the Catholic Church. Hmmm, sounds a bit morally suspect to me.”

Shoot. The…

Or, why I became a kickboxer.

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Image by Pat Arnow, Wikimedia Commons license

Honestly, I never liked either of the Cuomo boys, but I loved their father, and I was lucky enough to meet him at my college graduation in the 2000s when he was near the end of his life. Mario Cuomo was a true gentleman and a humanitarian of the highest order.

These boys of his, I dunno.

Here’s what Governor Cuomo has to offer as an apology or excuse or I don’t know what. He claims he has often teased his underlings, in a spirit of “being playful.” This teasing has been misunderstood apparently. …

I was both nervous and excited about losing my anal virginity

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Do you like my ink? Or are you looking at something else, you pig! (Adobe)

When I was just 18 I was dating a 30-year-old dude I thought was God. He drove a red Corvette. He kept a big stack of hundies in a diamond-studded money clip in his jeans pocket. He always wore jeans and was totally fit and sexy. He had a goatee. Sometimes when I looked at him he reminded me of the devil. I was in love!

He would pick me up from high school, and I was so proud of myself when the other assholes at school saw me hop into that sports car in my short shorts — off…

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Photo by Bundo Kim on Unsplash

Exciting month at True Confessional. We invite all of you to get something off your chest this March and publish something with us. Here are some highlights:

Being Hit On By Guys, by the great Christine herself!

This piece analyzes that sticky subject of sexual advances toward women in the post me-too era, but it does it with irony and cheekiness so I hope you like it.

A Fun Quiz

These Wives Divorced Cheating Husbands After Spotting Suspicious Details in Selfies

I published this one today in Sexual Tendencies, and if you like quizzes you might enjoy it, so I will give it…

Revenge is best served hot — by a smokin’ new bootie.

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Here I am with indulging in my favorite passtime, and here is my new ass! Isn’t she awesome! Unsplash

I knew it! A few months on this awesome stationary bike was all it took, and my formerly flabby ass was completely unrecognizable!

That’s right.

My ass went walking down Main Street completely unrecognized by the various citizens. Neither the Butcher, the Baker nor the Candlestick maker knew that it was my ass. But they all were quite taken by it.

“Look at that sweet ass,” said the Butcher.

“Must be some new ass in town,” said the Baker.

“I want some of that ass,” said the Candlestick Maker. …

Can you guess what got these scoundrels caught? Answers in the upside-down on the bottom.

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adobe images

Pay attention to details, folks, especially when boning off piste. Sure, you have to send a selfie home to your SO to keep up the ruse of your loyalty and good character. Just make sure you don’t give away the farm by including incriminating evidence in the frame. All the incriminating evidence belongs squarely outside the frame at all times!

Divorcee Number 1: Wait a minute here!

Do you remember what it was like?

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How do you like me as a blonde? Do you feel like reaching over and stroking my cheek? That’s weird. But you are hot, so you get a pass. Yep, there are two sets of rules — I know, it’s not fair! Who said it was supposed to be fair? (Adobe)

Well, for me I guess it’s been almost a year since I got seriously hit on. One of the silver linings of the pandemic is that the mask and social distancing have made me free to go out in public without steeling myself for the inevitable “advances” of strangers who think I’m cute and therefore they have the right to harass me, I mean, “engage me in conversation.”

One thing I’ve learned from this drought in male attention is that my face has been the problem. That is, it’s my face that has attracted the dudes. …

Christine Stevens

Funny lady, writer of satire and sex, intellectual kickboxer, sapiosexual surfer, proud Californian, language doctor and lover of Medium!

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