Member-only story
How To Make Your Boyfriend Hate Sports Because They Are Stupid
(Both your boyfriend and sports, I mean)
I just hate watching sports, sorry. I listen to the announcers on TV getting all excited about the stupidest stuff. “He fell down! He fell down!”
OK, he fell down, do you need to yell about it? And then, boyfriend, do you need to leap off the couch and repeat it, as though I didn’t hear it or see it?
“He fell down! Did you see that, Christine! He fell down! Were you watching?”
Oh, yeah, I was watching, because this dumb sport is so much more interesting than Baron Wenckheim’s Homecoming by László Krasznahorkai. Yeah, I’m just holding this book on my lap, but I’m not really reading it. No, I’m “watching sports with you.” Because that’s what you think a good girlfriend would do. Not read the 2019 National Book Award winner for works in translation. A good girlfriend would never do that.
I don’t even like watching kickboxing, which is a sport I used to compete in. I look at those kickboxers who are so much better than me and I think, “I guess I just suck.”
Plus, I surf, and the one thing I find super, super-duper boring is watching surfing. It makes me hate myself for being on the couch instead of being in the ocean where I belong.
