I’m Quitting My Job as a Top Silicon Valley Exec

To become a bouncer at a nightclub. Here’s why.

Photo by Kevin Grieve on Unsplash

I love kicking the crap out of customers, that’s why. And smaller competitors. Look, you don’t grow a multi-billion dollar company by “not being evil”, let’s face it. We grew this big by bouncing brick and mortar, mom and pop and everybody analog right the f out of the economy, stupid. By hiring a bunch of ruthless, remorseless bouncers just like me to dominate, police and crush anything that threatens our revenue.

I’m not telling you the name of the company, but it is one of the big ones. It’s a household name.

But it might as well be any of them, because each one of them has gotten to where they are by making sure the customer comes last and profits and Wall Street come first.

“Growth,” we called it. Ha!

It hit me when I was in a dance club last month. A customer got unruly. A bouncer pounced on him. I salivated. That was weird.

I talked to my therapist. Why did I salivate? Why did I find it so arousing?

“Perhaps you found your true calling,” he said.

I thought he was joking. But at work the next week I noticed that what I basically did was roam around the “club”, our corporate campus, making sure that…