Put on my bra and panties and I’ll show you, boyfriend

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Is it my legs, or is it my hair? I don’t know, you tell me. Adobe Image

Well, first of all, it’s like owning a property that is rapidly depreciating in value, that’s for sure. Because, as the supermodel Paulina Porizkova said, when they turn 40, women become invisible, even supermodels! Men just don’t notice them on the street any more. Not like they noticed them when they were in their twenties or thirties. …


We, the NRA, are financially bankrupt. Yes, we’ve always been morally bankrupt, but now you can score some real deals!

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Photo by steve woods on Unsplash

The sale starts tomorrow at 9 Am in front of Wayne LaPierre’s house here in Roanoke.

No Early Birds Please!

It’s going to take us a while to get this stuff set up for sale, so please don’t come until 9AM. Thank you.

No, We Are Not Selling Guns!

We at the NRA do not sell weapons. We sell something much more powerful and destructive than guns — we sell righteousness. Sure, if a Martian came down here and looked at you guys strutting around with your automatic weapons, he might very rightfully conclude that you are violent maniacs. But because of your membership in the NRA, your vile, aggressive and sadistic love of guns, mayhem and death has become a noble cause! …


Satire

They might sound unhinged, radical and scary, but he’s MyPillow Guy — how scary can he be?

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Yeah, this is the MyPillow billionaire who just popped into Trump’s office with some notes about very scary things.

MyPillow founder and Trump supporter Mike Lindell was photographed entering the White House carrying notes which seemed to advocate the imposition of martial law.

Here are some words that you could see when you blew up the photo of his notes:

“Insurrection Act now as a result of the assault on the” and “martial law if necessary.”

We don’t know if Trump is listening to his advice yet, but we do know that this argument with your wife isn’t just gong to fix itself. …


It’s like…

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Photo by George Pimental, Wikipedia.

Sex and the City Without Samantha is like… a martini without an olive. It lacks that bite.

Sex and the City Without Samantha is like… sitting on the toilet for like an hour and nothing happening — it’s like the TV version of constipation.

Sex and the City Without Samantha is like that great Da Vinci painting The Last Supper minus the guy in the middle.

It’s like…a guy playing poker claiming he’s got four queens. Then he lays down his hand and you see it’s three queens and the two of clubs. “That’s not a queen,” you cry. “That’s the two of clubs.” And the guy just shrugs. That fourth queen, that’s Samantha. Or maybe not. Maybe Samantha is the ace. Three queens, ace high, that’s what Sex and the City was like. …


A female boss takes advantage of her position.

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Licensed from Adobe, but yeah, she kinda looked like that.

Was I attracted to her? Kind of, I guess. She was in her early thirties, married, and very successful, a vice president of a movie studio where I got a job as an assistant D girl, that is, someone who reads scripts and sometimes gets to tag along to meetings and act semi-important.

In my brief sojourn into the movie business, I expected the Harvey Weinstein treatment, and I did get some of that, I admit.

But nothing like what M____ gave me. She was relentless.

Bosses Should Observe Appropriate Boundaries — Whether Male or Female

Sexual harassment or crossing of boundaries that makes the employee uncomfortable happens no matter the gender of the boss in question. In some ways, when your boss is a woman, it’s harder to stand up for your boundaries and demand they show you more respect. …


I wanted to give him a night to remember

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My girlfriend and I toast to our mutual success! (Adobe)

He was a very accomplished man and a great intellectual hero of mine. I’ll call him Geophrey, because he did spell his real name weirdly like that. Somehow I got to meet him at a book store reading some years ago. I was twenty-five and he was 65. He asked me for my number and I gave it to him.

About two months later he called me.

“Listen,” he said. “You should know, I’m a very happily married man. I didn’t call you because, well, I needed a little time to get over the infatuation. I’ve lived a long life and I know my infatuations never last longer than two months. …


It’s been a while!

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Photo by Immo Wegmann on Unsplash

Greetings sinners,

We’ve got some exciting new writers onboard at True Confessional. I am proud to introduce you to some of them.

Check out Terry Trueman. He’s got some great poems that remind me of the spirit of Charles Bukowski. I hope you enjoy:

https://medium.com/true-confessional/there-is-this-photograph-c265747b715e

GB Rogut has contributed a few great stories. I liked this one about her bullet vibrator.

https://medium.com/true-confessional/i-lied-to-my-kid-about-my-bullet-vibrator-d22d02277441

One of my favorite authors on Medium, Tracey Folly, published a piece on True Confessional about teen age shoplifting which was wonderful. I was really honored to have a veteran Medium star like Tracey sign up for the pub. …


How far can I push it?

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Adobe images

I want to go online tonight with you. I can’t help it, I know it’s wrong. But god damn it, Daniel, I want to do this.

I know you have a wife of thirty years and a grown child. This is not going to threaten that, I promise you. I don’t want to have sex with you. But I simply, must, must, must, go online with you.

You’ve been so kind about my work, telling me how much you admire my operation. I am usually quite stand-offish with my online colleagues, for my personal safety, you know. …

About

Christine Stevens

Funny lady, writer of satire and sex, intellectual kickboxer, sapiosexual surfer, proud Californian, language doctor and lover of Medium!

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