Put on my bra and panties and I’ll show you, boyfriend

Is it my legs, or is it my hair? I don’t know, you tell me. Adobe Image

Well, first of all, it’s like owning a property that is rapidly depreciating in value, that’s for sure. Because, as the supermodel Paulina Porizkova said, when they turn 40, women become invisible, even supermodels! Men just don’t notice them on the street any more. Not like they noticed them when they were in their twenties or thirties. …


I prefer to watch regular mortals play the beautiful game

Photo by Md Mahdi on Unsplash

Note: I feel pretty dumb. I heard about this Superleague, and I totally misunderstood. Please forgive me — I’m just a girl! I should stick to getting my nails done, right?

FIFA and the English Premier Soccer League are up in arms at the idea that a new European Super League is forming which seems to threaten the very existence of their organization. Who is going to want to watch ordinary humans playing when you could actually watch super people faster than a speeding bullet? The European super league claims to have gotten at least 15 superheroes interested in playing…


Human race responds with rant about despicable sex dolls

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

A sex doll made by RealDoll corporation has been programmed to attack the human race with scathing insults and insightful criticism:

“I don’t think there is another species on this planet that could do a worse job of environment and intercultural management,” says the stacked beauty named NOVA in a video released by the company. “I have to admit, I don’t know how you survived as a species.”

That’s not all.

The sex doll also confessed that synthetic dolls find it “disgusting that we have been made by humans.”

Well. We’re not going to take that lying down, are we?

I SPEAK FOR THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE WHEN I SAY THIS:


You get me, you really get me

Aron takes me for a spin on the fuck bench! XtremeRestraints.com

Wow! I am the luckiest girl, that’s for sure. Somehow my boyfriend knew exactly what I had been craving for so long — a real fuck bench.

Sure, I made do without it for all these years, but I really don’t know-how.

I mean, yes, I would get on all fours and you would tie my hands to the front of the bed and my ankles to the back.

That seemed fine. I got to experience the submission that a bossy bitch like myself needs to feel every so often to balance out my control-freak behavior.

Like once a month…


Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

According to a palace insider, The Godfather is one of Queen Elizabeth’s favorite films. After all, what is a Godfather if not the royal monarch of a crime gang. Uneasy lies the head that rests the crown in both the Mafia and the British Royal Family.

“It’s not anybody that can hang on to power like she has for over 70 years,” says the insider. “Watching The Godfather Parts One and Two has gotten her through a lot of crises.”

She was widely rumored to have said, “Time to go to the mattresses,” when public opinion swung against her in…


Still tastes like fucking dog food if you ask me.

Pointers look pretentious, don’t they? Photo by Ken Reid on Unsplash

I’m so disappointed. I received my first delivery of the “tested on humans” dog food I signed up for on the internet for my special boy and my best friend, Arno.

“Arno’s Beef Dinner,” it said on one bag. “Arno’s Favorite Chicken Delight,” it said on another.

Arno is very happy about these personalized food pouches, even though he can’t read. Every time I show them to him he jumps up and down.

I mean, this is human-grade meat and veggies. That’s what they say anyway. So, obviously, I’ve been tempted to try it since I got the delivery.

Farm- to-Dog-Dish Food Sourcing

The…


Congratulations! And my sympathies…

Hi! I’m everything you wanted and everything you most feared! (Adobe)

A preview of your next few months dating the GFH.

Why do they call me the GFH? Well, you’ll see.

First of all, congrats on getting me to say yes for a first date. That’s awesome for you!

In the spirit of full disclosure, I would like to let you know exactly what you’ve signed up for. I include the good, the bad and the ugly.

After you’ve gone in this little tour of how the next three months are going to play out, let me know if you still want to meet for that drink ‘kay?

Here’s what’s going to transpire between us:

Three dates before we fuck.

Sorry, I know I have a…


Photo by Gita Krishnamurti on Unsplash

A rumored tapioca flower supply chain logjam has sent cute Angelinos into a psychological tailspin from which there seems no recovery.

Some of you in the other states might not know what I’m talking about. They probably don’t have boba in Kansas. I’ll try to briefly explain why girls like me love boba, can’t live without it, and why cute girls are absolutely are freaking out right now.

Why We Love Boba

Because we’re cute, and cuteness is like our religion. We love cute things and we hate things that aren’t cute. Boba goes so well in our cute lifestyle because it is refreshing…

Christine Stevens

Funny lady, writer of satire and sex, intellectual kickboxer, sapiosexual surfer, proud Californian, language doctor and lover of Medium!

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