Put on my bra and panties and I’ll show you, boyfriend

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Is it my legs, or is it my hair? I don’t know, you tell me. Adobe Image

Well, first of all, it’s like owning a property that is rapidly depreciating in value, that’s for sure. Because, as the supermodel Paulina Porizkova said, when they turn 40, women become invisible, even supermodels! Men just don’t notice them on the street any more. Not like they noticed them when they were in their twenties or thirties. …

Invention changes everything we know about astropsychics (“astrological ESP”, not to be confused with astrophysics, which is hard and boring).

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Photo by Shreyas shah on Unsplash

Psychics all over the world were stunned yesterday by the publication of research in a peer-reviewed pseudoscientific journal that may change the laws of psychics as we know them.

Perpetual Psychic Energy Machine Makes Everyone Clairvoyant, Even Skeptics

The metaphysicians peddling this chicanery — I mean, announcing this finding — claim that this Perpetual Psychic Energy Machine (PPEM) will make any person hooked up to it able to predict their own future, eliminating the need for gypsies, fortune tellers and neighborhood psychics.

Wait, Won’t that Put a Lot of People Out of Work?

Yes, it’s true, the PPEM might take a lot of jobs away from some desperate charlatans, but the company is already announcing plans to retrain current psychics, tarot readers and astrologers in other fields — like crystals, sex Magik, or spell casting. …

Scientists find the answer at last!

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Photo by Callum Shaw on Unsplash

Dawid Potgeiser, a neurophysicist who runs a Temple University project investigating the phenomenon of consciousness, announced a major breakthrough in the research that at last answers some of the age-old questions: what is self-awareness, where does it come from, and what are we supposed to do with it?

Turns out we were looking in the wrong place this whole time, according to the latest findings. “We had been searching for consciousness as if it were something that we actually had,” explained Potgeiser. “Instead, we chose to look for it as something we definitely lack. …

From ministry of propaganda of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea

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As you can see, almost half the United States has absolutely no power and is in complete darkness and backwardness. Photo by NASA on Unsplash

When one hears about the United States, only two things are likely to come to mind immediately: nuclear weapons and Coke. Not much else is known about the North American country, even by the world’s most press. Why? Because the country’s capitalist leadership prefers it that way. But our great leader sent spies to that country who brought home photographic evidence of what a nightmare capitalism has made for the poor citizens of the United States. Prepare to be shocked about life in the USA.

Big Department Stores for Show Only

The US promotes the notion that its economy is so great and that there is enough to eat and money to burn. But this photo shows what it’s actually like to live in the US. This store may look full of goods, but it is off-limits to everyone except the most elite customers. And the ordinary people are only allowed into these stores once a year, on the day after Thanksgiving. And they have to fight for their lives if they want any chance of getting some of the capitalistic goods that the US is supposedly so famous for. …

Warning: you’ll learn a lot about your partner — can you handle it?

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There’s a sex game sweeping Los Angeles during the lockdown. Nobody knows where it came from but everybody loves it. Well, not everybody. There are some people who find it offensive. Not me. I love it. I’ve been playing it with my boyfriend for like three months now.

The thing about the lockdown, everything gets so boring and your world gets so closed in on itself. This totally opens it up, and I think it’s harmless fun. But see the caveat in the end if you’re worried about hurting feelings.

I Want You To Confess to Cheating With…

The idea is that you are the interrogator and you say, “I want you to confess having cheated with…” and then you can either specify a name, or you can leave that up to the “confessor.” In one version I heard about you just put a bunch of names in a hat and pick them out. …

A sex-crazed scientist wrestles with the supernatural

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Adobe images

My wife videotaped it every time she had sex with her boyfriend and she would let me watch it afterwards. That night was different. I got a text saying she was tired and was “just going to hang here tonight, if that’s alright?” I said sure.

It was the first time she had slept over at her boyfriend’s. She always came back to me, before. Suddenly my heart felt empty and I wondered if I had made a terrible mistake, allowing her to have an ongoing relationship with another man. …

One thing usually leads to another

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Me trying to calm down Giselle but look at her, she can’t stop thinking about him! Damn! Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

“I know, I know Giselle,” I say. “He’s a fucking jerk. You’re absolutely right to be mad. Come sit here on the bed and have some wine.”

I pour her a little wine. She takes a sip and then catches herself.

“Wait a minute Chrissy, you’re trying to get me drunk. I know, you like to seduce me when I’m angry at Richard, but not tonight. I’m really upset, can’t you see that? I just need a shoulder to cry on. I don’t need you to fuck me.”

“Of course of course. Cry on my shoulder come on, baby.”

So I give her a hug and a squeeze. I kiss her tears and tell her how sorry I am that she’s in such a rotten relationship. Then I tell her the tears make her look beautiful. They do, too. She has some freckles under her eyes and the tears form little rivers around them and it’s a gorgeous sight. …

But what is your morbid curiosity about, really?

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Photo by Joshua Koblin on Unsplash

Yes, this woman was shortly afterwards attacked by sharks. Can you guess how many attacked her? That’s correct, there were four sharks. She was so happy to see these graceful creatures of the sea, see? She held up four fingers. Unfortunately, she didn’t survive.

But look at how happy she looks, moments before tragedy struck. Really, why would you want a nice lady like that to get ripped to shreds by not one but FOUR sharks! What’s wrong with you exactly? Did your mother not show you the love you deserved?

As you examine the photos that follow, you would do well to examine your own soul. Is it ordinary schadenfreude, or something more pathological that makes you want to see these gruesome pics? …

Newly released video has revealed a more epic and exciting side to the storming of the Capitol.

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Creative commons licence wikimedia

We combine here cell phone footage, surveillance cameras, and Police Officers Bodycams, as well as news footage from mainstream media and Newsreel services Pathe News and the March of Time.

Here we see the original storming of the Capitol in stunning footage that reveals for the first time that the rioters began their siege by firing canons and then yelling “Charge!” in French for some reason. Warning, this footage is very graphic, and you will have to sit through two short ads before it begins. Then fast forward to 25 seconds for the canons and the charge of the rioters into the capitol.

More footage reveals the rioters were met brutally by some security forces called the Cossacks and pretty soon after that a baby carriage falling down the steps of the capitol in tragic montage. They may be a bunch of hicks and crazed conspiracy theorists, but man do these rioters know how to emote expressionistically!

Josh Hawley was offering up a spirited defense of Stop the Steal when the rioters entered the chamber. Oh boy, I just got an idea for a movie, what about a world where Josh Hawley never existed? Call it “It Would Be a Wonderful Life?”

Finally, a brave man burst through the main doors of the chamber and restored some order to the scene. People are writing that Trump’s presidency was four years of “macho politics.” What a way for it to end. Say hello to Trump’s little friend, people!

Somehow, the baby carriage got inside the capitol building and began descending some more steps! How much more of this can we take? Look, you rioters might have the right to protest, but really, who brings a baby to an event like this? Oh wait, your president is a big baby, so of course. It was going to be like a baby playdate. The babies were going to play together. Spoiler alert, this baby survives and the other baby is about to get kicked on his ass to Florida. Thanks, Kevin Costner.

At last, the authorities got smart and called someone who knew how to deal with hooliganism and stupidity, authorities who understood what the rioters were really doing. It wasn’t insurrection, it was ordinary block-headed weekend mayhem— something they’ve had in Britain for decades when the pubs close. Sorry, you have to click “watch on youtube” to see this one.

That’s right, don’t overanalyze the riots, people. It was plain and simple rowdy madness. Blockheads everywhere, especially white blockheads, love to do this every now and then. You know what it means? That they are blockheads, that’s all.

So shocking video from the Capitol just proves what we already knew — it was a block-headed clown circus directed by the Clown in Chief.


Christine Stevens

Funny lady, writer of satire and sex, intellectual kickboxer, sapiosexual surfer, proud Californian, language doctor and lover of Medium!

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