Put on my bra and panties and I’ll show you, boyfriend

Image for post
Image for post
Is it my legs, or is it my hair? I don’t know, you tell me. Adobe Image

Well, first of all, it’s like owning a property that is rapidly depreciating in value, that’s for sure. Because, as the supermodel Paulina Porizkova said, when they turn 40, women become invisible, even supermodels! Men just don’t notice them on the street any more. Not like they noticed them when they were in their twenties or thirties. …


One thing usually leads to another

Image for post
Image for post
Me trying to calm down Giselle but look at her, she can’t stop thinking about him! Damn! Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

“I know, I know Giselle,” I say. “He’s a fucking jerk. You’re absolutely right to be mad. Come sit here on the bed and have some wine.”

I pour her a little wine. She takes a sip and then catches herself.

“Wait a minute Chrissy, you’re trying to get me drunk. I know, you like to seduce me when I’m angry at Richard, but not tonight. I’m really upset, can’t you see that? I just need a shoulder to cry on. I don’t need you to fuck me.”

“Of course of course. Cry on my shoulder come on, baby.”

So I give her a hug and a squeeze. I kiss her tears and tell her how sorry I am that she’s in such a rotten relationship. Then I tell her the tears make her look beautiful. They do, too. She has some freckles under her eyes and the tears form little rivers around them and it’s a gorgeous sight. …


But what is your morbid curiosity about, really?

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Joshua Koblin on Unsplash

Yes, this woman was shortly afterwards attacked by sharks. Can you guess how many attacked her? That’s correct, there were four sharks. She was so happy to see these graceful creatures of the sea, see? She held up four fingers. Unfortunately, she didn’t survive.

But look at how happy she looks, moments before tragedy struck. Really, why would you want a nice lady like that to get ripped to shreds by not one but FOUR sharks! What’s wrong with you exactly? Did your mother not show you the love you deserved?

As you examine the photos that follow, you would do well to examine your own soul. Is it ordinary schadenfreude, or something more pathological that makes you want to see these gruesome pics? …


Newly released video has revealed a more epic and exciting side to the storming of the Capitol.

Image for post
Image for post
Creative commons licence wikimedia

We combine here cell phone footage, surveillance cameras, and Police Officers Bodycams, as well as news footage from mainstream media and Newsreel services Pathe News and the March of Time.

Here we see the original storming of the Capitol in stunning footage that reveals for the first time that the rioters began their siege by firing canons and then yelling “Charge!” in French for some reason. Warning, this footage is very graphic, and you will have to sit through two short ads before it begins. Then fast forward to 25 seconds for the canons and the charge of the rioters into the capitol.

More footage reveals the rioters were met brutally by some security forces called the Cossacks and pretty soon after that a baby carriage falling down the steps of the capitol in tragic montage. They may be a bunch of hicks and crazed conspiracy theorists, but man do these rioters know how to emote expressionistically!

Josh Hawley was offering up a spirited defense of Stop the Steal when the rioters entered the chamber. Oh boy, I just got an idea for a movie, what about a world where Josh Hawley never existed? Call it “It Would Be a Wonderful Life?”

Finally, a brave man burst through the main doors of the chamber and restored some order to the scene. People are writing that Trump’s presidency was four years of “macho politics.” What a way for it to end. Say hello to Trump’s little friend, people!

Somehow, the baby carriage got inside the capitol building and began descending some more steps! How much more of this can we take? Look, you rioters might have the right to protest, but really, who brings a baby to an event like this? Oh wait, your president is a big baby, so of course. It was going to be like a baby playdate. The babies were going to play together. Spoiler alert, this baby survives and the other baby is about to get kicked on his ass to Florida. Thanks, Kevin Costner.

At last, the authorities got smart and called someone who knew how to deal with hooliganism and stupidity, authorities who understood what the rioters were really doing. It wasn’t insurrection, it was ordinary block-headed weekend mayhem— something they’ve had in Britain for decades when the pubs close. Sorry, you have to click “watch on youtube” to see this one.

That’s right, don’t overanalyze the riots, people. It was plain and simple rowdy madness. Blockheads everywhere, especially white blockheads, love to do this every now and then. You know what it means? That they are blockheads, that’s all.

So shocking video from the Capitol just proves what we already knew — it was a block-headed clown circus directed by the Clown in Chief.


We, the NRA, are financially bankrupt. Yes, we’ve always been morally bankrupt, but now you can score some real deals!

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by steve woods on Unsplash

The sale starts tomorrow at 9 Am in front of Wayne LaPierre’s house here in Roanoke.

No Early Birds Please!

It’s going to take us a while to get this stuff set up for sale, so please don’t come until 9AM. Thank you.

No, We Are Not Selling Guns!

We at the NRA do not sell weapons. We sell something much more powerful and destructive than guns — we sell righteousness. Sure, if a Martian came down here and looked at you guys strutting around with your automatic weapons, he might very rightfully conclude that you are violent maniacs. But because of your membership in the NRA, your vile, aggressive and sadistic love of guns, mayhem and death has become a noble cause! …


Satire

They might sound unhinged, radical and scary, but he’s MyPillow Guy — how scary can he be?

Image for post
Image for post

Yeah, this is the MyPillow billionaire who just popped into Trump’s office with some notes about very scary things.

MyPillow founder and Trump supporter Mike Lindell was photographed entering the White House carrying notes which seemed to advocate the imposition of martial law.

Here are some words that you could see when you blew up the photo of his notes:

“Insurrection Act now as a result of the assault on the” and “martial law if necessary.”

We don’t know if Trump is listening to his advice yet, but we do know that this argument with your wife isn’t just gong to fix itself. …


It’s like…

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by George Pimental, Wikipedia.

Sex and the City Without Samantha is like… a martini without an olive. It lacks that bite.

Sex and the City Without Samantha is like… sitting on the toilet for like an hour and nothing happening — it’s like the TV version of constipation.

Sex and the City Without Samantha is like that great Da Vinci painting The Last Supper minus the guy in the middle.

It’s like…a guy playing poker claiming he’s got four queens. Then he lays down his hand and you see it’s three queens and the two of clubs. “That’s not a queen,” you cry. “That’s the two of clubs.” And the guy just shrugs. That fourth queen, that’s Samantha. Or maybe not. Maybe Samantha is the ace. Three queens, ace high, that’s what Sex and the City was like. …


A female boss takes advantage of her position.

Image for post
Image for post
Licensed from Adobe, but yeah, she kinda looked like that.

Was I attracted to her? Kind of, I guess. She was in her early thirties, married, and very successful, a vice president of a movie studio where I got a job as an assistant D girl, that is, someone who reads scripts and sometimes gets to tag along to meetings and act semi-important.

In my brief sojourn into the movie business, I expected the Harvey Weinstein treatment, and I did get some of that, I admit.

But nothing like what M____ gave me. She was relentless.

Bosses Should Observe Appropriate Boundaries — Whether Male or Female

Sexual harassment or crossing of boundaries that makes the employee uncomfortable happens no matter the gender of the boss in question. In some ways, when your boss is a woman, it’s harder to stand up for your boundaries and demand they show you more respect. …


I wanted to give him a night to remember

Image for post
Image for post
My girlfriend and I toast to our mutual success! (Adobe)

He was a very accomplished man and a great intellectual hero of mine. I’ll call him Geophrey, because he did spell his real name weirdly like that. Somehow I got to meet him at a book store reading some years ago. I was twenty-five and he was 65. He asked me for my number and I gave it to him.

About two months later he called me.

“Listen,” he said. “You should know, I’m a very happily married man. I didn’t call you because, well, I needed a little time to get over the infatuation. I’ve lived a long life and I know my infatuations never last longer than two months. …

About

Christine Stevens

Funny lady, writer of satire and sex, intellectual kickboxer, sapiosexual surfer, proud Californian, language doctor and lover of Medium!

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store