Hi readers, here it is, our first cartoon ever. There are more on the way. Please consider submitting an animation and we will feature it here at the top of the Haven home page with links to your brilliant work and so on.
I know we have some gifted comic artists here at the Haven. It’s super easy to get someone to animate your idea — just go on the internet and you’ll find thousands of talented artists waiting to help you for cheap cheap cheap.
For this first animation, I enlisted the super talented, award-winning comedian Rachel Marsh…
I was born with bare windows, of course, everyone is. You looked at me and you saw right through to my pure baby sunshine soul.
Hi, baby sunshine Christine. I remember you…vaguely.
But really, it’s impossible to maintain that. Nobody grows up comfortable with letting any old person look into his soul through the windows of his eyes.
The first thing I got were rose-colored curtains…they made everything look rosy inside there…even when it wasn’t.
You’ve made a great decision to read and write this publication, The Haven. However, before I go any further, I would like you to exhort you Haven writers to read a bit more of your fellow Haven writer articles.
Haven writers don’t read each other enough! Come on guys! Where’s your sense of loyalty! Remember, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
Here is a little glimpse that I can see and you can’t see, because I have the editor privileges at The Haven. This is from the other day:
Most stories don’t get many views…
Every two months I take my hair in to be groomed. Yes, my hair is like my pet that lives on my head.
Sometimes she’s frisky. Sometime’s she’s coy. Sometimes she’s crazy. But most of the times she’s…problematic…and just needs to be tied up.
I have a variety of chains that I use to restrain her — some are pretty little bows and butterflies….but they do the same thing — they keep my wild animal hair restrained and in line, god damn it.
And like you would with any pet, of course, I like to pet my hair. And pull…
Um…what happened to the India variant, also known as B. 1.617, and who the fuck thought calling it Delta was a good idea?
“Hello, this is your Captain speaking, welcome to Delta Air, the airline that sounds like a deadly mutation of the worst disease in human history, but that’s purely coincidental. Delta is in fact a Greek letter. Like a fraternity, remember that in college. Yes, that is what you should be thinking about right now, as you take your seat — your good ole college days. Frat party! Toga, toga, toga!!!”
It’s not much worse, is it?
I have very bad news. Our hacking organization has been hacked. All of our files that we use to encrypt other people’s files for extortion have been encrypted and are now useless to us.
I received an email demanding a 20 million dollar ransom to unencrypt these files.
We are in a very difficult situation.
If we don’t pay the 20 million dollars, how are we going to continue hacking corporations and governments and demanding obscene amounts of bitcoin from them to unencrypt their files?
I mean, right now I can’t even open Microsoft Word, much less hack the Pentagon…
Exciting news! The Haven has added three columns in the navigation bar at the top of the home page. I hope everyone will check these great columns out and give these great writers some love.
This guy Clem Samson says he is providing a toxic cleanse for your mind and he ain’t kidding. He really cuts through the bullshit so you better be ready if you want to read these. They’ve actually been the most popular articles on The Haven this season, and they are organized around the theme of “Scientists Say: We’re Basically Fucked.” Clem is super…
Do you detect this signal too, or am I just imagining it?
I’ve been staring at this candy bar all morning. And the signal has been persistent.
“Beep, beep, beep,” it seems to be saying, in a fast radio burst kind of way. “Beep, beep, beep.”
I know, I sound paranoid, right?
But just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t trying to fuck with you by implanting a radio signal transmitter inside your Milky Way.
“Eat me, eat me, eat me,” the radio signal is saying.
God damn it!!! Why!!! Why me!!! Just when I started my post-July 4th…
“Hey buddy, psst, psst. Wanna buy a watch? Come over here, take a look inside my overcoat. Try not to look too obvious though. We’re being watched — get it? Ha!”
Yes, readers, I’ve done something quite daft for your pleasure — you’re welcome. Please enjoy the next two minutes of utter stupidity!
Funny lady, writer of satire and sex, proud Californian, language doctor and lover of Medium!